No one marries thinking it will end in divorce … but I think a lot of us marry not fully understanding what true love really is. Maybe we were not taught this, maybe we get impatient waiting for it, maybe we don’t fully, truly love ourselves … and so we settle and say, “I do”, not realizing the full extent and effect and future ramifications.
I said, “I do”, when I should of said, “not yet”. I chose a marriage partner for reasons other than being truly in love. I chose them because they needed me and I needed to feel needed. And so our story started and was a rough and rocky one from the very start; both of carrying heavy baggage that we had not fully unpacked and put away in the proper place. Of course there were rays of hope and sunshine along the way and the most wonderful event of my life, the birth of my daughter. But in the end where true love didn’t exist, there was not a happy ending.
The process of realizing the marriage was ending took some time but looking back we both allowed it to happen. Sure we went through the motions of trying to repair what, not so much was lost, but what never was. We would sit with our joint counselor and talk through things, go home with “homework” that never got done. When you don’t do your homework usually you fail the class. Why didn’t we do our homework? I guess that is where the true love aspect comes into play; we truly did not love one another.
Years passed ……. and we inevitably began living separate lives. We not only lacked true love we lacked a true connection. The only two things I believe that connected us in the very beginning were, (as I mentioned above) him needing to be taken care of paired with my need to feel needed and our initial desire to start a family and just feel needed and loved – not sure if you are picking this up, but there is a definite pattern here.
As we began to live separate lives we grew further apart, neither putting any effort into the marriage and its success. We had nothing in common, besides our daughter, in which the marriage was barely thriving through. If you removed the factor of the child in which we both adored – there was absolutely nothing left.
As we progressively grew further apart there were definite outward signs the marriage was over, though I was not ready to let it go. I believe he was inadvertently trying to tell me he was ready to move on, but for fear of hurting me he didn’t have the guts to say it. He continued on in such a manner hoping I would get so fed up and make the decision for us. You would think the sudden missing wedding ring off his finger and months of lack of intimacy would have been indication enough, but I guess I was dead set on saving something that had been lost almost from the very beginning. I was so confused, again I didn’t get married for it to end in divorce and my true belief was God did not want us to be divorced either. I began spending my early mornings in meditation and prayer asking God for guidance.
Then about 9 months ago we separated; issues arose that I could not look past and ignore any longer. I filed for divorce but was still so very confused. It was not a very amicable situation and I continued to pray. Instead of praying for reconciliation I started praying for us individually. I was still unsure of where God wanted me to be or what he wanted for our marriage. The holidays came around and he and I decided to give it another try. He came home and we put “some” effort in, though I will say it never felt right or natural, we were going through the motions, living out the term, “Fake it till you make it.” Yeah…. not so much – lack of true love, lack of true connection. It wasn’t going to work, though I believe we both really wanted it to, mostly for our most treasured possession.. our daughter. Interestingly enough, I never called the lawyer to stop the divorce proceedings; I kind of just put things on hold. Time moved on, his wedding ring was again missing and there was never a rekindling of our intimate life. We both were very short tempered with one another and honestly angry and bitter, each one feeling the other was keeping them from happiness.
The day came when I knew it had to end and I was going to have to be the one to say it, so I did. It took about two months after our announcement for him to move out; it was sad and liberating.
So here I am, going through the process of a divorce, yes a process. Though I fully know this is the right path and I know in time things will be so much better, right now it is much harder than I ever anticipated. I do things to distract myself from the reality of what is happening and when I am not busying myself I feel a debilitating pain that is very difficult to move through. This is just another part of the journey in my life that I know I will take and use for the greater good. Even though at times I feel it is getting the best of me and robbing me of my once very bright spirit, I know in time it will just make my spirit even brighter.
I write and share these feelings and experiences because it helps me to release the pain and I hope in doing so I can also touch those that read this and they too can feel a sense of solace knowing that life may go down paths we never intended. But we have choices how to walk down those paths. Sometimes it may be a crawl, other times a skip, maybe there are days where we drop down and just refuse to move at all. But the important thing is we continue on learning and growing and sharing with one another – Press on for happiness, don’t settle because you are afraid of change or the pain you might have to endure. Do your homework and get that well deserved “A” ………
~ Maureen xo